I NEED to vent. My friends can’t hear it because they don’t know what to say and there are so many variables I still don’t know and haven’t figured out. I think it’s also because I’m spending SO MUCH TIME ALONE in my (tough) walk-up apartment instead of various sports all weekend.
It’s my first week recovering from my tear and my mood flip flops. I’m not sure I can face my weekly football/blading buddies to join them for lunch and I’m getting ‘sympathy’ and it’s alarming. I was hoping just to quarterback a bit or play 1B on my softball team but I’m told that I’d be crazy to do ANY outdoor sport. Soon it will feel like nothing is wrong. I’m so depressed and what is killing me is that I either don’t know or cannot know my options. I just read on the Mayo site that any autograft will weaken my knee. HOW do and can I choose a method???? I feel damned either way.
Option A: The patella graft merely fills in with useless biological matter (although some claim potential for second graft, makes no sense.) There is also likelihood of pain and swelling that has to be controlled forever. There is also danger of noticeable weakening of the most important tendon in the knee that functions with the quadriceps.
Option B: A hamstring graft will weaken my hamstring. Building up muscle matter isn’t the issue if the muscle won’t stay attached to your bone. Not as long clinical success and potential need to remove hardware (?). Reportedly not as strong as patella?
Option C: Allograft - least pain but supposedly weakest and lasts shortest. May need replacing in several years. That would be catastrohpic.
Post OP: How long will I REALLY be out of work both from physical limitations and pain/concentration? Can I manage alone for the first 2 weeks? My 5th floor walkup is tough to go up with good knees. Financially, what did you guys end up out of pocket? It seems that this will be a 5 figure investment… and we don’t know what PT will be like and supposedly this is long term although it becomes private maintenance?
I don’t think I can handle the decision and cost. I keep looking at my knee as 2 vacations and a plasma TV. Maybe I’m better off not getting surgery and just never playing sports again and limiting myself to the gym. My blades and martial arts were my favorite and thriving in softball a joy of life. Perhaps I need to learn how to turn this all off and concentrate on something else. I’m in my late 30s and probably better off not hurting myself again and healing will not be easy. Additionally, I probably couldn’t play again psychologically if I did get surgery for fear of tearing it again or rupturing the grafted tendon.
Ugh. As I send this my friends are laughing it up on the football field. WHY WAS I SO BLOODY STUPID in trying to run downhill especially when I had about 8 extra pounds on me this month? This is a constant struggle. I’m not sure where you guys were a few weeks after your tear but I’m flipflopping week one. People keep saying “it’s not like you have such problems like XYZ” but it’s my own private hell knowing that I will suffer a serious setback from reaching already lowered goals and will likely need to move but don’t know where.
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