OK… so it appears that the surgery won’t get me back to 100% where I was before. I was doing GREAT before the injury and I would wow people with my athletic ability. Now… I don’t know. I have to think about whether I want to put myself through all of this pain. My knee is getting slightly stronger but still, I’m badly limping around town and use a cane.
So here’s the thought. If I’m not performing near 100% potential I cannot ever be happy with my myself. I’m the small town Michael Chang who has been able to impress playing with the big boys. I can’t see the benefit of going through terrible pain and then living with lifelong swelling and pain for just 70-85% functionality at sport.
I think I’m making progress with the surgery decision but I need to figure out how to keep myself away from outdoor sports completely. But I’ve never ever been able to sit on the sidelines. An hour after tearing my ACL I went back in, caught a pass by getting away from defenders and then QBed the team to its first TD. I was also a great softball player, the fastest and strongest roller blader and a black belt. I’m trying to find out a way to mentally give these things up.
My OS is a super nice guy but he and some others tell me many other people do it “with very good results” but that doesn’t mean I’ll be happy. I also have no time to go through all this pain, suffering and especially loss of work. I do have a PPO plan but I was told that the surgery alone will cost me $2500 because of a deductible plus costs not covered for braces and PT. I’m in my late 30s. Maybe I can do this since others seem to have avoided surgery.
I’m having a hard time because I did this to myself. I was overweight about 10 pounds but still had conditioning to beat people downfield. I *knew* and had a feeling to take it easy that day, including the *moment* before I ran down that incline. My knee came apart because I ignored my better judgment and had a feeling I had too much weight on me. I’ve usually avoided injury by twisting my body out of the way. Accidents do happen but I could have avoided this one and knew I should have. I can’t forgive myself for this one. If there is a small positive it is at least have come to terms that I am not getting younger and need to prepare for my senior years.
So the quesiton remains… should I just opt out of surgery? Can I just go on with one ACL? The pain and cutting out your own body parts just doesn’t seem worth the horrific investment. And then there is the time…
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