Prologue: Comprehension: It’s been almost a week since I tore my ACL. I’m still in shock and feel a little better being more educated but make no mistake.... I am still reeling. I think I’m feeling decently only because I’m recouping so well that if I didn’t have the MRI, I’d be doing martial arts and playing softball by next week. I also have not yet had the procedure nor having to deal with all the physical, emotional and financial pain that I will endure and nobody knows for how long, perhaps forever.
First: Shock and Despair: I feel very deeply for many of you after reading your stories. I am sure many of you wish you could have been me—in virtually perfect health, never suffering any serious injury through my late thirties, the old man who could beat the boys. I implore of you not to deride me for my seeming overmagnification of the miserable nature of my own situation, my being ostensibly unappreciative and minimizing the true nature of your own long term frustrating experiences. I recognize this but also something else. My inexperience and seeming invulnerability have only served to leave me unable to know how to cope with this injury. The longer you are in a safe haven the more it increases the fear and terror of falling by an exponential factor. I haven’t slept in 4 days and face a tremendous challenge in waking up every day. I need to rid myself of this mental anguish and don’t diminish that which you cannot perceive.
Second: Frustration: Minor annoyances have made me aware of my need to adjust my attitude. The _deep_ sympathy and empathy of others make me feel like the demon and pain is much larger than I realize. I would like to strangle anyone who says “look at the bright side.” Huh? I am annoyed by those who can only say “that which does not kill me” and more so because of my thought “will only serve to waste more precious time that is better spent accomplishing your potential.” I need to find a way out of this hole.
Third: Fear and Loathing: I guess my anger, ire and disgust in the previous paragraph really stems from my being unable to forgive myself for placing myself in a position to create a significant injury. I hurt myself playing football, which I didn’t need in my life doing so many other sports. Now that I was playing again, why couldn’t I just take it easy like I had been DAMN IT? Why did I have to run every catch for the potential TD too? I was blading and playing softball for years and doing martial arts, my favorite. Now I can kiss the last one goodbye for a long time and serious life altering surgery because I couldn’t learn.
Four: Decision Making and Pure Fear: Having surgery affect my work which is high pressure sales right now. I’ll have to move out of my walkup apartment too and it’s going to be very costly. But let’s get down to what is really most difficult. Daily martial arts was a way of life. I realize that with a torn ACL it’s really not a question whether to have surgery but when, especially myself. I’ll damage my knee in the long run given my inability to be anything but be somewhat rambunctious even at rest.
But what do I choose? Patellar autograft seems to be the most effective and strongest without question. But so many seem to complain of long recoup and pain that never goes away. Honestly, do all of you feel it in your kneecap? I can only wonder if the tendon and bone really ever heal completely. I wonder whether I finally get the chance to experience significant lasting pain every time it rains. I wonder whether my rehab will be unbearably painful (like so many say) and will last a long long time. It seems optimal to choose this procedure instead of an allograft (seems weaker, frequently doesn’t last as long) or using my hamstring (I’d hate to lose 10% flexibility and it definitely doesn’t grow back.) I’m terrified that I’ll be in pain in 20 years from now and hobbling all over the place when I’m 60 thanks to my stupidity at almost 40. Speaking of which… am I too old to heal well?
Conclusion: Those are my thoughts and fears that are running through my head. I realize I can’t cope with this yet because first I need to learn how to do so. It’s embarrassing. I feel like Paris Hilton in a big city having lost all her money, lol. At least I still retain something of a sense of humor. Thanks for reading all this junk.
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